Sometimes you just need to vent

It's Monday, and the sink is full of dishes. Toys are scattered on the floor, my computer desk is full of clutter, Alexis is napping, thank goodness, and Jonas is playing a game by himself. The laundry needs to be done so I have clean clothes to wear........ and I'm on the computer. Mondays are always so "dirty" from the weekend. I was about to start the dishes, but they look overwhelming. Maybe I've been thinking too much, but I just need to vent. And that's why I'm on the computer instead of everything else I need to do.

Have you ever seen those memes, or eecards going around that say something like "the house is dirty, but the kids are happy", or "pick two, your sanity, clean house, or happy kids". I hate those. Because to me, a clean house is my sanity! When toys are scattered everywhere, laundry needs to be done, dishes are over flowing (refer to first paragraph), I get anxious and cranky. I can't just "let it go", like apparently a lot of moms can. Those mom's that have dirty houses and dirty children, and apparently their children are happy and so are they. I just can't do it.

Then I think, do I have OCD or something? Trust me, I've been more lax with cleanliness now that I have two kids. The toys everywhere doesn't bother me so much, but the overflowing dishes and dirty kids and extra clutter do. I struggle doing crafts with Jonas because it's just another mess I have to clean up and it causes me stress. But when I do get the cleaning done, and the kitchen is clean I feel relieved and happy. Cleanliness is my sanity! Maybe it is a little OCD. I don't know.

Maybe I'm just sleep deprived. When I don't get good sleep I'm a grumpy person. Alexis still wakes up once a night to eat. Which is fine, if I get to bed at a decent time, which is hard because I just want to stay up with Clint and talk and have fun with him. And last week there were several days where she woke up at 1 or 1:30 and she cried/whined/talked and stayed awake for an hour or more till she went back to sleep. I'm awake the whole time. I'm a very light sleeper. And I refuse to nurse her back to sleep. I don't want her thinking she can eat every four hours at night like she used to do.

Either way, I've been feeling unmotivated to do things lately. Maybe it's the dirty house because it eats at me and it's never ending. The dishes, the laundry, the sleepless nights, the tantrums. It all never ending. Sometimes at night I lay there trying to go to sleep for 20 minutes or more even though I'm exhausted. I have too much on my mind.

Then I think about how I'm doing awful with my "free time". I did horrible last week with eating and exercising. I only exercised once because the kids went to bed later all last week because they took naps, which is great, but that meant I didn't have much time to exercise or do the dishes, spend time with Clint, etc.

I should exercise in the middle of the day when I have time. If I do, then I think about the dishes that are overflowing and if I don't do them, they won't get done, so this is my chance to do it now. Either way I'd rather exercise in the morning, which I'm too tired, or at night, so that way I can shower after. Then I also want to use that time at night to edit my pictures or spend kidless time with Clint, etc. And lately I've just been so tired that when they nap during the day, I do too.

Either way, I guess I just feel overwhelmed that I'm not getting my goals done that I want to - exercising, eating right (I've decided I'm an emotional eater and lately I've had a lot of stressful emotions), keeping up with the cleaning and doing my photography. Two kids are hard for me. Maybe it's because Jonas is difficult every day and it leaves me stressed and frustrated. He's so cranky sometimes - a lot of times. Even when he naps he's just difficult. Maybe he's bored. I try to do fun things with him but he doesn't appreciate it and throws huge tantrums even when I'm trying to do something fun with him. Like this morning, we got out the swimming pool and he was crying and hitting me because he wanted a rubber ducky that Alexis was playing with and I told him he needed to share. Picture my eye twitching right now. Ha ha!

And don't think Clint doesn't do anything. He does! He helps when he can. It's just that he's gone twice a week doing his calling for our church. And lately it's been more than twice. He's elder's quorum president. Which I don't mind. I'm all about serving in our church. But when he is home, he wants to chill, too. Because he doesn't get to do it much either. And Jonas practically doubles his awfulness when Clint is home. I have no idea why, but Jonas reverts back to being a baby and he can't walk, feed himself, or do anything without daddy's help. He doesn't act that awful for me. Needless to say, he throws lots of tantrums at night because we refuse to treat him like a baby. Again, frustrating. 

So there you go - all my problems in a nutshell. And I don't know what to do about them. I'm not depressed or anything, I just feel frustrated and unmotivated. I feel like I don't have control, and trust me, I like having control. I'm a control freak. Clint is so easy going. That's why we get a long so well. And it's a good thing Alexis is so good for me now. She's such a sweetheart and she has passed the awfulness on to Jonas.

Sometimes I think, would I rather have a colicky awful child for the first four months of life, but they are sweet angels when they are 3, or would I rather have a perfect baby and an awful 3 year old? I don't know - neither sound appealing. But sometimes I just think about it.

Sorry, this is a lot of rambling, but I just had to vent. It makes me feel better. My goal this week is to gain my control back. No more over eating, no more excuses for not exercising. Even if it's 15 minutes, it's better than nothing. And no more napping. I can't get anything done when I nap. That way I have time to do my photography. Now I'm off to do the dishes.

And two pictures because my kids are cute and I like photography. :)

Just playing on Jonas's bed having fun. They both love blankets.

We went swimming on Saturday with the family. This is my parents with their 4 grandbabies. So fun! From 1 grandkid to four in less than a year. Yay! 

I think Alexis was trying to give Lily a kiss or eat her. Either way, I hope they are good friends since they are super close in age.